What not to say

"You're going to hurt yourself!" she yelled as I ran to the playground.  I stopped, considering, and after years of hearing the words, I stopped entirely.  I avoided risks, and took on her fear as my own.  As I am a parent now, I can understand where she was coming from: a single mother, working constantly, her only joy found in her baby girl.  In a world where so much had been taken from her--her husband, her security, her love, she had to hold on so tightly.  I felt her fear that stemmed from her love, and I couldn't bear to be the source of more pain for her.

Flash forward thirty years, and now I'm that mom, watching the reckless, fearless abandon of my own children, wanting to hold on, wanting to be their safety net of protection.  But I know that I do them a disservice by planting my fears within them.  I want my love to be security for them so that they can reach out and discover new things, always knowing that they have a "home base" to return to.  I love to witness wonder and pride in their eyes when they attempt something new, so I fight myself to not hold them back.  Every instinct leads me to cling on tightly for my own sake, as they seem impossibly big these days and grow more overnight. Still I know the goal of this parenting gig is to teach them independence, to give them roots so that they have connection, but also to give them wings, empowering them to find their own freedom to fly.  I struggle to not let them be the center of my world (as much as I cherish them), because I don't want them living for me.  One day, God willing, I will send them off to discover their own callings and dreams with pride (and many tears).

In today's world, it seems like a much more vulnerable act of courage to send them out into a world filled with terror and violence, where even school is no longer a sanctuary.  I feel like putting them in a bubble, a safe and warm little incubator of protection.  But I remember when Brady was born, so very tiny, and had to stay in his warming isolette, hooked up to tubes fighting for his life.  He was so weak, and feeding him became a battle.  The head nurse jokingly diagnosed him with "wimpy white boy syndrome", pointing out that some babies seem lazier in the beginning.  He had to find the will to fight, and his body had to learn to work on its own before he could be released from the hospital.  How would I ever choose to go back to that?  It was safe and protected, but it was not the full life we dreamed for him.

"You're going to hurt yourself" still plays on an endless loop in my mind.  But I bite my tongue, smile, and say, "Go ahead, you can do it!" and pray, pray, pray that one day I'll be as strong and fearless as they are.

This song was an inspiration as I was pregnant with Brady, and continues to remind me of roots and wings:

Mark Harris - Find Your Wings

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold

The plans that heaven has for you

Will all too soon unfold

So many different prayers I'll pray

For all that you might do

But most of all I'll want to know

You're walking in the truth

And if I never told you, I want you to know

As I watch you grow

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams

And that faith gives you the courage

To dare to do great things

I'm here for you whatever this life brings

So let my love give you roots

And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind

That leads you through your days

And may conviction keep you strong

Guide you on your way

May there be many moments

That make your life so sweet

Oh, but more than memories

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams

And that faith gives you the courage

To dare to do great things

I'm here for you whatever this life brings

So let my love give you roots

And help you find your wings

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky

I'll have tears as you take off

But I'll cheer as you fly

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams

And that faith gives you the courage

To dare to do great things

I'm here for you whatever this life brings

So let my love give you roots

And help you find your wings

This post was inspired by Mama:Monk Micha Boyett's One Good Phrase series.