Wholehearted Parenting

Image from Brené Brown

My word for this year is wholehearted, and in no area of my life do I need this idea more than in parenting.  I've always known that I wanted to have children one day.  My husband and I talked about kids on one of our very first dates.  I had pretty much figured out how to parent before we ever conceived.  I knew what I wanted to keep from my own family of origin and what I wanted to heal and transcend.  As a voracious reader of parenting books and blogs, I'm also a critic compiling my lists of how things shouldn't be done.

And then I had children.  And it was amazing, and holy, and terrifying.  Not only did I have no idea what to do, but these tiny creatures surprised me by having their own personalities, needs, and wills that I had not taken into consideration.  Nor did I realize how much the act of becoming a parent would change me and have me grieving over my own loss of self and my own inherent selfishness.

I echo the lament of many parents that "the years are short but the days are long."  It is simultaneously scary that there are twelve more years to get our youngest to college...and that there are only twelve more years until our youngest goes to college.  There is so much to pack into each day between the superficial demands of homework and general upkeep, to the deeper values and lessons we hope to instill.  I easily become frustrated at the "one step forward, two steps back" nature of little human development.

As I wrote in in my "Parts of the Whole" post, 

"My struggles (particularly with parenting) often come when I am unable to see the bigger picture.  Stuck in the frustration of a single moment (or daily reality), it's easy to fall into the faulty reasoning that things will always be hopeless and impossible.  Sometimes I think things will never change for the better.  Then some moments I turn around and wonder at how an often-taught lesson has finally clicked.  I can catch a brief glimpse at the big picture that is slowly being created and I find hope once more."

I have seen parenthood as a sacrifice--of my time, myself, the way I think things should be.  I realize the self-centered nature of this and how it sets me up to feel defeated.  But I heard something that has the power to change that.  In the audiobook The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting, Brené Brown speaks of her priest sharing that the word sacrifice comes from a Latin root that means "to make sacred."

What would happen if I viewed parenthood as sacred?  I think back to that first moment we held our firstborn, and in spite of the fear, there was an overwhelming sense of holiness.  There was grace; evidence of God's very real presence in our lives.  Sometimes I let that sense of wonder and mystery become overshadowed by the messy reality in front of me.  But then there are moments when our kids point right back to the Creator and I'm aware once again of the miracle of it all.

As I created my vision board for this year, I knew that I wanted to incorporate a vision for how I can embrace the messy reality of my life and be able to see the beauty in it.  My goal is to be more mindful in my interactions with my children.  I want to have the eyes to see each moment as an opportunity to model and receive God's love.  May my connection with them be a lifeline for all of us, a sacrament that points to God's grace.  May I begin to see the sacrifice as sacred, and parenting as holy work and play.   

One Word 2015: Wholehearted

Workbooks and art by Susannah Conway

It is the fourth day of the New Year, and I finally made the time to sit down and reflect on 2014 and plan for 2015.  I had been hoping to do this for some time, but life has a way of interrupting my plans.  The holidays were full, and although I had a long break from work, being at home with the kids does not provide many opportunities for quiet reflection.  Then our son started the year with his first ever case of strep throat, which meant a couple days of caring solely for him.

But these are excuses, as part of me didn't want to think much about the year that had passed, although as an INFJ, I usually enjoy this sort of exercise.  It was a good year overall, but it was also demanding and draining.  I started a doctoral program that seems to be a good fit, and it's encouraging to be challenged by classes again and discover that I still love school.  I have benefited from the support of my cohort and know that we have much to learn from one another in our different experiences, gifts, and perspectives.

We had lots of good family time including a vacation to Disney World and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  But there were many parenting challenges, mainly in learning that I can't change my children, but need to focus instead on why their behavior triggers me so much.  Learning more about Family Systems Theory has been a good start.

I continue to love my work as a university chaplain, but it had its difficulties as well.  It was a hard semester with increased stress and tension.  Even though I did my best to meet the needs, I felt as if I were going through the motions and not really working from my gifts and passion.  It was exhausting, and I cared for myself by withdrawing more than engaging.  When I set "enough" as my word for 2014, my intention was to remind myself that I have enough (resources, strengths) and I am enough (with God's help) to handle what comes my way, but more often, it seemed a word of surrender when I had had enough.

When I think about what I want most for 2015, a vacation is the first thing that comes to mind.  Unfortunately, our next vacation isn't until December, and there is much work to be done before then.

I realize that what I really need is to be more engaged.  I want to live from a place that is more than just surviving.  I want to thrive, living out of my calling and passions.  I want to truly be grateful for the gifts in my life and appreciate them by living fully from my whole heart.  I want to be mindful of the moments so that I can teach my kids to appreciate them as well.  To keep me centered, I have chosen "wholehearted" as my One Word 365 for 2015.

I have been greatly inspired by the work of Brené Brown, who researches shame and vulnerability.  I first came across the concept of wholehearted living in her books.  She lists 10 guideposts for wholehearted living in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage To Be Vulnerable Changes the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead:

1. Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think

2. Cultivating Self‐Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism

3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness

4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark

5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty

6. Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison

7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self‐Worth

8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle

9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self‐Doubt and “Supposed To”

10.Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”

(the list was found here)

I know it will be a most difficult challenge for me as my instinct is to withdraw in the best of times, and to ruminate and hold on to the negative in the worst of times.  It will push me to see my life in new ways and to live into the hope that I so often proclaim and yet fail to grasp in my own daily struggles.  It will mean letting go of the petty annoyances so that I can see the greater beauty in the moments that I often overlook.  It is a reminder to live from a faith that is greater than the reality I can see and grasp.

To inspire me, I created a fold-out vision board that can stand up on my desk and travel home with me as well.  The words and pictures point to the fact that while I can't always control what happens, I can be in control of how I respond.

May I respond with my whole heart in 2015.