Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Watching her sleep

I sit on the edge of her hospital bed and watch her sleep.  It takes me back five years and a month to this same hospital when I was the one in the bed holding her in my arms, watching my newborn baby sleep.  The feelings of vulnerability and fear and profound love are the same.  It's a strange thing to be a parent, to have so much responsibility and yet feel so very helpless.  Suddenly people are asking you questions and you're expected to have all the answers--what is her social security number, when did the pain start, and every minute detail of her potty and eating habits.  I couldn't tell you today's date, and yet I'm entrusted with this precious being who looks to me to care for her and have all the solutions.

Becoming a parent is the quickest way to feel like an adult...and a helpless child.

Sometimes I think I will burst from all the love and heartbreak of it all.  She takes my hand and I pray that she'll see strength instead of uncertainty.  I hope that she'll trust the decisions we make are the best for her, even when they hurt.  I wonder if we'll have the faith to hold it all together even when the road is rough.

But for now, I watch her sleep and remember the grace of her finding comfort in my arms from the beginning, understanding that she sensed something in me that I am not always able to trust in myself.  She recognized me as her mama before I could fully embrace that.  And so I must lean on her faith and trust in God who holds us both as we sleep.


  1. just as we trust our heavenly parent, she trusts you....even with shoes that have green stuff on it. :) this is beautiful.