|images from Tumblr|
I'm reposting this from July 2013 as it resonates with my One Word choice for 2014: enough.
I hear the sound of little footsteps padding down the stairs (again), and I sigh, because it's not the first time this night. Getting both kids in bed has always been an Olympic sport for us, but even more so these days. A cute blue-eyed blond pokes her head around the corner, grins, blows me a kiss, and says, "I love you!" before jetting back upstairs. At least she's sweet and cute.
Other times, though, the bedtime routine is punctuated by wails and yelling and "You don't even LOOOVVVEEE MEEE!" or tearful sniffles and a quiet, "Do you love me?" And I begin to realize that this is the central question we all carry. Are we loved? Are we enough, just as we are? Are we accepted, even when we're not behaving as others expect us to?
I seem to teeter between excesses of love and fear, and it's hard to find my balancing point on this see-saw. Although I have so much to be grateful for, I live in a culture and a time where fear and scarcity reign. It's much easier to focus on the negative, to worry about what I don't have and what might go wrong. I look at my comfortable life and wonder if it should be more exciting, and how I could be accomplishing more. There are moments that I'm caught up in the wonder and awe of how beautiful life is, and see God shining through the details, only to be robbed in a moment by the fear that it will all be lost, that I am not living out my calling.
Fear is a lonely animal, and when it engulfs me, I can only cry out into the darkness, "Do you love me? Am I enough?" I know that these voices of fear, of alienation and doubt are only shadows; they are not truth. I believe that's why the Bible so often implores us to "Fear not!" and reminds us that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and self-control (1 Timothy 1:7).
I'm clinging to the promise of "enough"...that I am enough, that God has given me enough resources to live out my calling, and when it gets to feel like too much, I can simply say "enough" and retreat back to the love of God and my family, who fill me. And when I truly am able to embrace this, I'm also teaching my sweet little ones that there is always more than enough love for them, just as they are.