It doesn't take much analysis to understand the root of my fears. In a couple of weeks, my baby will be going off to school, beginning the process of separation for the one who has clung so tightly to my heart. I have no doubt that she will transition much easier than me. My fear is not how she will do, but how I will juggle my responsibilities and be present for her in just the right ways to encourage her joy and ease her fears. At the same time, school will begin for me on two different levels. Hollins students will be returning soon, and there's always the chaos and buzz of settling back in, trying new things, meeting new people, having lots of fun, and working way too many hours. I'm also applying for a doctoral program that would begin next summer, even as I question how I will handle the pressing demands that already threaten to wear me down.
It is the inevitable phase of life where there are many new beginnings, which also signal the ending of what is familiar and safe. I have to let go of my control and trust that my babies will be cared for and nurtured even when they are away from me. I have to put myself out there in my work and trust that the results will be worth it. It's enough to startle me often out of reverie of normal life into that seize of panic...What am I forgetting? What if I fail? I struggle so hard with the issue of being in control, only to learn over and over again how little control I have. The faith part of the journey has been in realizing what a gift that is.
In my online devotional this morning, there was this prayer:
Dear God, in the endings, show me the beginnings. In the beginnings, help me let go of the endings. Through it all, open my eyes to the renewal. Amen.